To continue the previous post, or break it in to pieces.
Thus I avoid participating the work I know how to do good, and I know ‘we’ as a team cannot do it good enough. Because I cannot do everyone’s work myself - then it’s not ‘we’, it’s me. Usually I don’t have such control. Luckily. Because I don’t want to.
It’s very sad for me to participate in something where even if I contribute, the result will be awful. Also I value my efforts, and don’t want to spend them to something I know won’t be good. Sometimes I just cut myself from the reality. You need me to press this button? I am doing that. And pressing the button is a metaphor.
However there are exceptions. The most obvious is I know we cannot build a good country, I know I’ll not be satisfied with the result, and still I am here. And it has to be painful. Because I am not satisfied with what ‘we’ do. I have some ideas, but ‘we’ have others. I believe in ‘this’, but ‘we’ think differently. Still I cannot accept, or to be precise, afford other choices. I accept ‘us’, and that it’s not what I dream of.
Somebody told me recently ‘you cannot feel good, especially in this country’. Well, yes, I agree. But wait, why do you have to feel good? You don’t have to! Feel bad! You’re a human.
In the Simak’s ‘City’, humans decided to give up and go to live as seal like creatures on Jupiter. In order to feel good. And the remaining one city is not enough for humanity to continue development.
There are more important things than just ‘feeling good’. You don’t have to. You are not obliged to. Actually you hardly can anyway.
#unconnected
I need to talk with my therapist, but she left Armenia (surprise, surprise), still, she can meet me by skype, but even if i would like to install skype on one of my systems, it would require me to make a lot of lifestyle changes:
I don’t like and use pulseaudio, but skype requires it, thus I would need to enable pulseauduo USE flag and recompile half of the system, which I don’t want, I don’t want pulseaudio on my system.
I have a pure64 system, and I am perfectly happy with it. Why would I need this fat 32 bit compatibility layers / multilib system? And skype does not work without 32 bit compatibility.
Eventually I don’t like Qt very much and apparently I don’t have Qt libs installed (but I do have motif for tkdiff, I believe), though this is the smallest problem, just to add Qt to the system.
That is why in order to contact my therapist I was using my old friend’s computer with Win7, but tomorrow he leaves Armenia for ever (surprise, surprise) together with his laptop, of course.
And the ironic part here is that may be, if I would have more normal system( i. e. without -systemd -pulseaudio -qt…), I wouldn’t need therapy.
#unconnected
this also relates to the language of people. recently i have noticed, that, it looks like, those armenians who communicate in blogs or social media, they use much better, cleaner spoken language than those, who don’t. i guess, because they see what they write, and they can process it, like or dislike it, do something about it. #unconnected
more on my post on social networks and responsibility
i think this is more about seeing and acknowledging what you have been written. seeing yourself from the side. one teacher was saying ‘write it down, dear so that you can see the stupidity of it’. you need to express something in order to see it. and then do something with it - label it, understand it, judge it, disagree with it. so may be this is more about being responsible for your own self. because you yourself have seen what you have done. what did you say. what did you write. you are the one who not only thought of something but registered, witnessed something. and it’s not that easy to reject what you have witnessed yourself.
you can see that may be the relationship is actually more important for you, than it seems for some moment. when you write it down, show it, you put it out of the moment. make it more timeless. not that dependent on momentary feelings.
#unconnected
btw on social networks. they make you feel more responsible. like marriage does.
(i mean real social networks where you share* your life, photos, thoughts, not something like diaspora stream today, where personality is hidden behind the propaganda posters or cats. oh, you’re so great person, i like the cats you share. those are better cats than the other person shared.)
it is harder to get out of marriage than of a relationship. it is harder to get out of a relationship, when you live together in one flat, and the other partner has no own flat to go at any moment.
which makes both more responsible in their decisions. they can think more before moving in, and they can think more before moving out.
so when partners or friends (or even it can be son and the father) do share information about their life together, about their co-existence, trips, problems, jokes, make selfies together, after all, it brings this new level of responsibility: whom you hang out with, and would you leave/dump them easily?
if you can look irresponsible it the eyes of your friends, you can indeed become more responsible. responsibility is not a bad feature of humans, i believe. because it makes us hurt others less.
#unconnected
sometimes i feel completely disconnected from what i have said in the night. or day. or an hour ago. did i say that? why would i do that? is it better to remain silent?
well it is definitely better to wait before publishing new photo.
#unconnected
some people believe things it is convenient for them to believe. or it is beneficial for them to believe in some way: they may feel more comfortable thinking/deciding that. or hey may feel less guilty. or they may feel better about themselves.
(and one of those is my father. i cannot endure how he thinks and what he talks. most of the time. he can even blame Jews in any problem in the world. this also makes me very sad and disconnected from him. i don’t know what do we have in common, and how can we be connected, especially when he talks.)
and this is exactly what prevents me to be very self confident in my opinions.
i especially, specifically question my beliefs when i understand that it is beneficial/convenient for me to believe in those.
some people adore c#. some people adore perl. i do not like these technologies. some self confident people believe the same ideas i do. it is rare, but still. usually self confident people believe the things it is safer to believe(and sometimes people believe in outsider ideas just to look outsiders).
but this presence of confident people who believe in same ideas does not make me more sure, more self confident. not a bit.
what i know for sure, is that i cannot be different from what am i. i cannot vote for the other candidate, than i have chosen. i cannot choose the other shirt. i cannot choose that programming language. i won’t feel good by doing all these. but well, i can try to be friends with this guy/girl, though it does not look like there is an outlook to be friends.
once, many years ago, i managed to cure a street dog. that street dog used to not have half of the hair, be very calm, hide in hide in hard to reach places. when it became better, it made friends with some nervous female dog. female dog was attacking people, and he started to accompany her in that. then someone killed the dog i have cured. i have no idea was that intervention i did right.
i sometimes do not intervene on purpose. very often at work. let it be like they do it. who said that my solution is better? who said that it suits them? i do not intervene in people’s taste: they want this phone, they are happy with that, then who am I to ‘open their eyes’? i believe very often, people who make propaganda of something, even if it’s free software propaganda, do it in order to prove themselves that they are right.
well, i don’t know if i am right, and i am got over it. i don’t know. i just do what i do.
is this too self centered that i write about myself? well, this is me. sorry for that.
#unconnected
