Արփիկի այս գրառման մեկնաբանությունից։

Նա անգլերեն էր գրել, ես էլ անգլերեն պատասխանեցի։ Մեծ ստացվեց տեքստը, տեղ չարեց։ Այնպես որ զգոն եղեք, ստեղ եմ փեյսթ անում, ու իհարկե սորի ֆոր մայ ինգլիշ։

Հիշեցի մի գիրք, որտեղ ասվում էր․ երբեք մի խաղա պոկեր «Դոք» անունով մարդու հետ, երբեք մի սնվիր «մայրիկի մոտ» կոչվող պանդոկում, եւ երբեք մի կիսի տեղաշորը այն մարդու հետ ով քեզանից շատ խնդիր ունի․

So, under the cut is my comment with a list of rules,

they may be useful to you.

Hey.

I like this. The post, not the situation. It’s sincere. And I understand you very well.

I have been written about it. The only difference is I don’t really need people who cares about me, I just need time and mood to work, tinker with some tasks, do what I really enjoy. But there were always some people who wanted me to “help” them. I compare them with parasites. And often they don’t even think, what may actually lead them to the solution, they just rely on someone else. Okay, sometimes you may help by teaching them to help themselves. Otherwise by helping them, we are saying: you are helpless. You cannot help yourself. You are miserable.

What is important to me, is that people I really care about usually don’t ask me anything. May be I care about them for that reason. 🙂 So, when I want to do something good to them, or, they really need me, I find myself busy with drying parasites’ snivels.

And I also found out that I am busy with complaining: I don’t have time to read blogs, I don’t have time to write my software projects. I am busy at work, that’s ok, I need work in order to live, but after work I also do not have time for myself.

Then I asked myself.

Who am I?

Am I the person who enjoys thinking? Yes! Am I the person who like to have an idea and implement it? Yes! Am I the person who like to read? Yes! Am I the person who like tinkering? Yes! Am I the person who are bored with himself so he needs to help someone?

No!

So I decided to cut it.

This is the only way to implement what you want.

– Sorry mate, I have no time.

– No, I won’t meet you.

– Hey, you are a very nice person, I like you a lot, but I need to do something important for me. Get the fuck out.

It was hard.

And most of them were just unable to understand. So I decided to get rid of the phone. My work needs concentration. My tinkering needs concentration. If I answer calls I need time to remember what I was doing before, and dive into it again. That’s a lot of time. I have just a couple of hours after work and dinner to do something I want. So, I just ignore calls. Or keep the phone off. I started to ask people to write me letters. Letter does not demand to answer immediately. It turned out they are unable to write letters. Because in order to write one need ability to express thoughts. And for that he needs to have thoughts. Okay, most of them tend to have thoughts, but don’t know how to express what they keep in mind: I noticed that they rely on me, they want me to understand what do they mean by just saying random words.

Surprise, I am so cool, I know how to understand people? No! Opposite, that’s how I have noticed I need to spend a lot of power to understand people who do not express themselves explicitly. I need to ask – did you mean that? No? May be that? No?

Okay, I see, you mean this. Yes? Exactly. Sigh. Okay. I see. I am already tired though.

I do not have enough power for that. I am just a decent human being. So the first rule.

0. Don’t be arrogant.

You are not magician. Just a human. You don’t have enough resources even for yourself. Don’t spend a lot of power for others.

I’ts not the only rule, it’s the first rule. Others following. If you stick with them, you’ll be ok.

You said you don’t want other’s to take advantage of you? They won’t understand it unless you realize that you also won’t take advantage of others.

1. Don’t ask anyone to do anything for you. without paying for that.

And never do anything for anyone. If you don’t want to really madly. You do not owe anything to anyone.

I don’t need anything from anybody. I know who am I, I am human, I know they are also humans. But how do we become society then? How do we achieve something together? Whether by making teamwork, or by the modular design. I do this, you – that. If I need something, and you don’t need me to have it, then I need to pay for it. We developed money as an universal exchange unit.

What if you want something but cannot afford it? Like don’t have enough money or resources?

Then just accept you cannot have it. It’s fare. Accept that you won’t have it unless you cannot afford it.

You want a car? Have you money for that? No?

Then you probably don’t need a car. If you cannot afford it, you cannot keep it. Cannot repair it, cannot feed it with oil, etc.

You want this gui/girl, but she ignores you? Then accept you cannot get it. You can’t always get what you want. As the famous philosopher said.

What people do if they want something but cannot afford it? They become thieves. Do you want other’s to steal from you? No? Don’t steal from others.

2. Don’t steal.

Of course, I believe you won’t steal money. But you may steal time, power, resources. Don’t steal if you do not want others to steal from you.

That’s why I say – if you cannot have this guy – you don’t need him. If you cannot achieve this result in this time – then accept you cannot. You can work very hard (as I do) and steal time from yourself. You work at a full stretch and it leads to deterioration.

It mean you again steal, just from yourself 🙂 That’s even worser than stealing from others 🙂

So, you need something, you pay for it, your friend needs, he pays.

If it’s a closest friend, he may understand you. Also, he may not need money, so when I ask to do something for me, I explicitly ask what he wants me to do for that. And after the deal no one has debts. Once one of you have debts you have a foundation of future problems.

For example, because you may have done something you didn’t want to do, he or she may feel obliged to do something they don’t want to. It creates a vicious circle.

That’s how we come to the fourth rule:

3. Never do anything you don’t wanna do.

It will come to you back as a pain, as a dream, as a feeling of loss.

You loose twice when you do something you do not want to do. That’s why you need to be paid much more for that.

And from here we come to the fourth rule:

3. Never ask people to do what they don’t want to do.

At least without paying them. You need to pay a lot of money to me if you want me to deal with repairing your computer. I do not like stupid work, and don’t like to be around microsoft technologies. So, you need to pay me ten times more for that than you could pay to other person. That’s the only fair way you can ask other person to do something – pay to him, so he can decide whether he wants to do this for that. And when you know you need to pay, you start counting. You notice that it’s better to ask this person than that person – that person doesn’t want to do this, so you need to pay him/her more.

4. Choose right persons to socialize with.

Persons who don’t demand a lot of energy from you, who don’t need you to tell you about their problems. Who wants you to be yourself, rather than manipulate you in order to change you to conform her/his needs. How can he manipulate you?

Very simple: you afraid to offend him? Then don’t be around him. You don’t need him. Because he doesn’t need you, he needs someone who’s not you. He needs you to not be yourself. So, he lies to himself, and behave not realistic. He cannot respect you because he does not respect himself by lying to himself. So don’t be like him, be realistic, know who are you, and don’t be afraid to offend someone, because if it’s a friend, he won’t be offended. If it’s a friend, he does not need you to be not yourself. Or if you are an ass, then no sane person will be friends with you. But there’s a lot of insane people who likes to get pain, so, they will be around you.

If you notice that you enjoy being hurt, or they are around after being hurt then something is obviously suspicious.

Real friend is not a person who helps you, as say russian proverb. Real friend respects you, and want you to just be yourself.

**5. Be free ** from manipulations.

You see, the behavior of a person who tries to make you feel shame, or tries to influence you because he/she is “offended” is not different from the behavior of the beggar on the street who tries to manipulate you by telling stories about her sick family.

Okay no difference in the behavior, difference is in the person. You like this person, probably. So how to deal with them and not let them to take advantage of you? How to explain people all that?

Don’t explain it, they won’t understand. Just behave like that, show it with your behavior. Example is the best non-manipulative influence I know. It’s sincere, because you behave like you believe other’s should behave to you. Respect yourself, and they may start to respect themselves.

Like that.

PS. When I say never, that means “almost never”. There will be some situations you won’t be able to deal with. Then ask for help. And then, say “thank you” to the people, because you cannot pay them for that.

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