=====/ ====/ R / / R / / R / - / ==/ ==/ ==/ R / / - / - / - / R /==== /==== /== /== /== REPORT!! THE INTERNATIONAL ATARI ST ONLINE NEWSLETTER GUARANTEED TO PUT YOU TO SLEEP! "Reporting AROUND Atari, Not THROUGH Atari!" ================================================================== April 1, 1992 Volume 1 Issue 1 ================================================================== (c) Copyright 1992 Brotherhood of DRAM Chip Assembly Line Workers ++++++++++++ ______ ONLINE| $ GEnie address................................ZZZ.REPRT AREAS | $ CompuServe address...................24-58-39-60-Hike! | $ Delphi address..................................ZZZREP ______| $ Internet/Usenet address...................e.e.cummings >>>>>>>THE ZZZzzz REPORT CONVOY OF COMMUNICATIONS COHORTS<<<<<< Spanning The Globe And Into Your Face! ZZZzzzREPORT: USA New Delhi.....(DRGNET 666)..........011-6-568793 ZZZzzzREPORT: East Latvia......(BTRFLYNET 93).......(007) 555-1212 ZZZzzzREPORT: South Poughkeepsie....(HAIRNET 444)...(914) 779-6500 ZZZzzzREPORT: The Moon......(FISHNET 5).....76 degs. N, 23 degs. S `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` The Number One, Original, Economy-Sized Super-Duper Online Thang! -* FEATURING WEEKLY-* "Totally Made-Up News and Information" Hard-Hitting Investigative Stories, Beautifully-Written Editorials, Hot Tips (Don't Play The Horses), Hardware - Software - R&B - Jazz - Soul - Pop - Spoken Word `````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` COMPU-MERV, THE ON-LINE SERVICE OWNED BY A FORMER TV LOUNGE LIZARD, PRESENTS $00.15 OF FREE TIME TO READERS OF... ZZZZzzz REPORT!!! ***************** "The Original 16-Bit, Drill Bit Online Magazine" WHAT'S NEW IN THE ATARI FORUM: ************ Happy Easter!! *********** Sysop Donald "Maddog" Lupinski is having an ASCII Easter Egg Rolling Contest in the Conference Area on April 12th. Join him and his lovable team of sysop-wannabe's as they construct pretty Easter Eggs using their text editors. Awards will be given for originality, size and speed. THE PORT-A-THON CONTINUES IN ITS 476th DAY! Somebody, please stop these guys! They've been hacking away for over a year, uploading every possible program for the Portfolio. Some of their latest efforts include: FAUCT.ZIP, a dripping faucet emulator; BRO_NOZ.ZIP, a graphic of Bob Brodie's nose; BALDCALC.ZIP, a calculator to determine the rate of hair falling out. ****************************************************************** EDITOR'S DESKTOP Sorry, there'll be no "Perusing GEnie," "Perusing Compuserve," or "This Week In Atari History" due to the fact that we actually have original editorial material in this week's issue. For those of you who are having trouble catching up on their sleep, these columns will return next week. Remember -- "Having Trouble Snoozing? Try Perusing!" ****************************************************************** ================================================================== ZZZZzzz REPORT TICKER ================================================================== TOMMY LASORDA SIGNED TO NEW PRODUCT ENDORSEMENT Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda has signed an endorsement contract with Double-Click Software to promote its latest product, Data Diet. Lasorda, who once possessed one of baseball's greatest potbellies, is now being photographed for print ads saying: "Look! I went on a Data Diet and lost 12K!" CODEHEAD TECHNOLOGIES IS NOW CODEHEAD ELECTRONICS Codehead Technologies has formally changed its name to Codehead Electronics, according to John Eidsvoog and Charles F. Johnson. The change was done to reflect the Codeheads' expanding range of products for the Atari market. DESKTOP PUBLISHING FOR THE CARELESS FINALLY RELEASED I-C-U Marketing in Toronto, Canada has released Calamus SLOB, a new desktop publishing program imported from Germany. Unlike the original Calamus 1.09N, which has been considered the Cadillac of Atari DTP programs, SLOB is for people who can't draw a straight line, tell one font from the other, and think raster is what they call people from the island of Jamaica. SLOB will also have a special module that will not only import .IMG, .GEM and Degas graphics, but little Japanese dolls with bobbing heads and Polish ham. NEW ATARIFEST SCHEDULED FOR OUTER SPACE A.S.S., Atari Solar System user's group, is sponsoring the first intergallactic Atarifest on Mars September 14, 1992. Gleepzork Freezebutt, the user group's president, says that he expects many developers and dealers to take the suspended-animation trip to the Red Planet for a fun-filled time celebrating the universe's greatest computer. Gleepzork warns that while the dollar is strong against the Mars renchglip, visitors should be careful declaring their purchases when returning to Earth. CODEHEAD ELECTRONICS IS NOW CODEHEAD DELICATESSEN Codehead Electronics has formally changed its name to Codehead Delicatessen, according to John Eidsvoog and Charles F. Johnson. "We decided that this name better reflects our efforts in perfecting the ideal pastrami sandwich on rye with mustard for Atariusers," the press release states, "and our continuing interest in eating." SELECTRONIC ARTS RELEASES FINAL ST GAME Computer entertainment giant Selectronic Arts of San Mayonaise, CA have released what is widely believed to be the last game to ever be programmed for the Atari ST, Populous XXVII. In the final installment in what has to be the longest string of game sequels, Populous XXVII puts the player in the role of Rafael, a Good gang leader in East L.A. who must battle the Evil Crips for possession of turf. Each round takes place on one block where you can command your followers to build weapons to wreak holy havoc upon your opponent. Selectronic Arts claim that this version of Populous has the most "divine intervention effects" than any previous version - - 1,393! Besides the usual tornado, swamp and plague, Populous XXVII features swine flu, syphyllis, mudslide, and highway shooting! CODEHEAD DELICATESSEN RENAMED CODEHEAD SUDS 'N' DUDS John Eidsvoog and Charles F. Johnson have decided to change the name of their firm, Codehead Delicatessen, to Codehead Suds 'n' Duds effective immediately. "We decided that we wanted to earn a good, clean living with a steady income, so we've chucked hacking and cooking for Atari and opened up this laundrymat on the corner of Hollywood and Vine," the Codehead release states. "We wanted a constant flow of income. After all, everyone's got to wash their underwear, right?" MACINTOSH LOWERS ITS PRICES Apple announced that it would be lowering the prices on all of its Macintosh units effective, uh, uh... say, isn't this an Atari newsletter? ****************************************************************** > GEnie OLIVER STONE Online Conference ZZZzz REPORT FOCUS ======================================================= March 13, 1992 <[Sysop] JED.C> On behalf of the Atari ST Roundtable, I welcome all of you to the Oliver Stone RealTime Conference. Before getting started, some business about how an RTC works. While the RTC is in Listen-Only mode, you can only address our guest when you let him talk. To get my attention, just type on your keyboard: /YO! Some other RTC commands are: ? - Another way of saying "What the ^(^%^()!" /bur - Allows you to burp without being heard by others /bor - You're totally bored and can't wait until the RTC is over /zzz - You've been bored for over 30 minutes and you've fallen asleep /bug - You think "Bugsy" should win Best Picture at the Oscars /bb - You're Bob Brodie /lbb - You're in love with Bob Brodie /wbb - Who's Bob Brodie? And now let's get started. For over a dozen years, Oliver Stone has been one of the country's premier filmmakers. Instead of taking the easy road, Stone has tackled some of the toughest questions that try our souls and makes us think about who really is in charge. Films like "Platoon," "Wall Street," "Talk Radio," and "The Doors" borrow on Stone's own past to shake our conscience today. Tonight, Mr. Stone is here to talk about his latest film, "JFK," about the assassination of President John F. Kennedy and what might have really happened on that fate November day in Dallas. He is using tonight's RTC to announce a shocking conspiracy theory. So without further ado... Mr. Stone, thank you very much for joining us this evening. Do you have any opening remarks to make before I start taking questions from the floor? Thank you for this opportunity to address everyone here. I've been hounded by reporters from Newsweek, Time, 60 Minutes and The New York Times for the last six months, who have been trying to tear apart my JFK script. My team of researchers and I have viewed countless films and spoken to many of the witnesses' to JFK's murder. By going online like this, I can respond to a cross section of average people. They may not like what I'm going to say, though. <[Sysop] JED.C> Why is that? Let me just give you a thumbnail idea. Technology was increasing at a rapid pace in the early 60's. The first supercomputers were just being constructed. Kennedy, who was always something of a spy buff (remember he loved Ian Fleming), became increasingly interested in the possibilities of these supercomputers. We've discovered memos to his closest advisers saying that he knew a "new language" had to be created for people to communicate with these computers. Now, everyone started hearing about IBM. They were in the news all the time. But there was one small company in Sunnyvale, California which began perfecting a portable 8-bit computer that was small enough to use in the home. It would be a _multi-purpose_ computer. They would blow the whole industry wide open. Somehow, one of the people at the Sunnyvale firm ended up in a men's room in New Orleans, standing in the next stall to one of Kennedy's advisers! He accidentally overheard the adviser mention that Kennedy was looking at a complicated computer language which would involve typed commands to tell computers what to do. That people would take days, maybe even years to learn this language to make any computer perform. It turns out Kennedy had a series of secret meetings to implement this complicated language known as MS-DOS. Apparently the Sunnyvale people knew that this would be a major setback to their rather simple "computer for everyone," so they hired a team of killers from Mexico to be in Dallas the very same day that Kennedy was in Dallas to have his last meeting with the MS-DOS people. <[Sysop] JED.C> Wait a second! So what you're saying is... That's right -- Atari killed JFK. <[Sysop] JED.C) Atari killed the President over MS-DOS? You think they wanted America to spend the rest of their lives typing out "copy this" and "copy that" and "chkdsk" and a bunch of other stupid things? Kennedy was in Dallas to get his first lessons in MS-DOS. <[Sysop] JED.C> Well, I'm sure everybody out there is as flabbergasted as I am. So I'm going to open the floor to questions. First, from Mandingo.... <[For Sale] MANDINGO> If Atari plotted to kill JFK to stop MS-DOS so its 8-bit computer could reach the market first, why did it take so many years for Atari to produce that product? Excuse me, I don't see anything unusual here. For Atari, that is. <[Sysop] JED.C> Next question.... <[Kick Me] CARBON-14> The Warren Commission said that there was only Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone in the assassination. Is this true? According to my sources and reconstruction of the events, a defective prototype Megafile 30 was found under John Connally's car seat with the potential for severe electrocution. This evidence leads me to believe that Oswald was not alone. This also brings up an idea I've developed called The Magic Pullet Theory. You see, the Presidential Party had chicken for dinner the night before the motorcade through Dallas. Apparently, the President felt that the chicken made him groggy and he wasn't sure he'd be able to take part in the Dallas visit. His personal physician gave him some pills and told him he should be fine the next morning. This may have been Atari's last attempt to stop Kennedy from going to Dallas, by jimmying his dinner. <[Sysop] JED.C> I can see by the hands on the clock on the corner of my monitor that it's time to close this RTC. Oliver, any final comments on your theory or future projects? To answer both questions: rumors are presently tricking out of Europe that these very secretive plans over a new "Falcon" project may actually be a new powerful atomic weapon and not a computer after all. I've just completed the screenplay for my next project, "Dinosaurs," which will focus on the small band of bean-counters who turned FM radio in the late 70's into a corporate octopus which engulfed American minds into buying product like Foreigner, Journey and Kansas... we were bought and sold, like lemmings marching off a cliff! This is the story of a young man caught in the greedy moneymaking machine which chewed him up and spit him out! Millions of dollars spent needlessly on so-called "groups" like Ramjam, Meatloaf, Starland Vocal Band, arrr-gghhh! <[Sysop} JED.C> Well, I'd like to thank everyone for attending tonight. Next week our guest will be Martha Stewart who will explain 1001 uses for the Atari mouse except for being a mouse! She'll tell us how it can be used to re-string blinds or flush toilets. Till next week.... ****************************************************************** IMPORTANT NOTICE! ================= As a reader of ZZZzz Report Online Magazine, you are entitled to take advantage of a special ORACLE membership offer. For only $29.95 (an astounding $57.00 off the standard membership price!), you will receive a lifetime subscription to Modern Maturity and this one time only offer of "We Are Atari," a compact disc collection of your favorite Atari celebrities singing popular favorites. Sit back and relax to these great monster hits: MACARTHUR'S PARK by Step-Ahead's Nevin Shalit (said to be _better_ than the Richard Harris version!) DRAW THE LINE by ISD's Nathan Potechin ASCII SEE FOR MILES by Clear Thinking's Craig Harvey PLAYGROUND IN MY MIND by Kidprg's D.A. Brumleve ONE BAD APPLE by Gadgets By Small's David Small FACE DANCES by Mug Shot's Chet Walters PARANOID by ST Report's Ralph Mariano SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT -------------------- Beginning September 1, 1866, ORACLE will begin offering a new plan that will save you money! If you haven't figured this out by now, since I've been constantly repeating this same announcement for over 125 years and probably will as long as it takes up space in this newsletter, this is a B-A-R-G-A-I-N, dammit!! I mean, I'm still repeating this great super duper offer as if they were announcing it tomorrow, but it happened so long ago, I just want to keep reminding you in case you forgot -- such a deal! The new plan is called the 50/50 Plan and it features 50 hours in a locked room with me, plotting ways to buy out Atari stock, and for this distinct pleasure, you receive 50 big bucks! Now some people may say, geez, I don't even spend 50 hours in one room with myself! It's OK, we can break it up in 5-hour intervals and cover the bases: fund-raising, propaganda, finding a broker, buying stock, and then figuring out what to do with a warehouse full of spare Atari parts! ORACLE - It's getting better all the ti-i-ime! Better! Better! Be-e-etter! ****************************************************************** ~~~~~~~ CAPTAIN MIDNIGHT'S LIVING ROOM!! Where We Discuss Tastefully Appointed Indoor Furniture And The Latest Atari Games! SIM-ELECTION (Maximus) Leave it to the boys who taught us how to create a city, a planet, an ant farm, an underground subway system and now the biggest simulation of reality of all -- an election! Obviously a lot of painstaking work has gone into the creation of Sim-Election to make it just as hapless as real life. After the title screens, you are displayed a map of the United States and it is your job to campaign in each of the states, trying to win over as many delegates as possible while schmoozing the press and covering up your past. A little calendar in the upper right hand corner of the screen tears off a page for each day closer to that big day in November. You are given a $500,000 campaign fund and get to choose your campaign manager: A) Roger Failes -- a sleazy media manipulator who will put together misleading tv commercials to discredit your opposition, or B) David Barf -- an aggressive numbers cruncher who can whip up a poll in your favor in no time. You also get to pick your wife. What, you're a woman, you say? You'll have to wait until the special data disk comes out allowing you to be a candidate's wife, because, dammit, this is a real life simulation and women don't belong in the White House! Using special graphic features, you can change the facial and body appearance of your mate: long blond hair, mousy nose, southern accent, 50's beehive, drop-dead figure... go crazy! You'll also get a kick out of the sampled version of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" as you assemble the ideal campaign woman! Using your mouse, you can move your candidate figure around the state into a variety of locations: steel mill, kindergarten, old age home, baseball game, or church. Occasionally, your campaign manager will pop up and advise you what to say or your next move. Twice during the campaign you will be asked to debate on national television. As the computer controls the other candidates, this is a real test of grit and nerve. But, you can also choose the "Refuse Debate" option, in which you let it be known that the other candidates are not worth your time. It's quite a gamble because you could lose many votes if your argument isn't convincing! Then stay at the local hotel and watch the debate go on without you on tv, an empty chair where you should have been. One of the most intriguing aspects of Sim-Election is setting the difficulty ratings of The Media. You can only set it once at the game's beginning, from sympathetic to total censorship. Depending on how you progress through the campaign, you'll see little headlines on the top of the screen declaring the latest polls and breaking news stories. Be careful or The Media may turn on you! In every election, the newspapers report that a woman has come forth declaring she had an affair with or was sexually harrassed by one of the candidates. If it turns out to be you, you and your wife must immediately convince the press that this woman is just a "headline groupie" and that you've never met her before in your life. Fortunately, if you play your cards right, because the media is male-dominated and owned, you can keep smiling and get past this setback! FINAL VERDICT: Almost as scary as the top flight simulations, Sim- Election is sure to be this summer's biggest seller! ================================================================== * THE SOFTWARE HAMPER ================================================================== For those of you who like to crash and burn: BRODIE6.LZH Tired of those little cherry bombs running across your screen when your ST crashes? The boys at Codehead, what is it this week, Suds 'n' Duds have produced this little baby which you put into your AUTO folder. Now every time you're dividing by zeros or having an address problem, you get a row of little Bob Brodie heads, depending on the type of crash! Neat! Tired of that mouse pointer? Here's one alternative: FINGER MOUSE Sometimes you just want to "flip Atari the bird" and now you have the opportunity! This fun little thing will replace your ARROW mouse pointer with a hand giving "the fabulous finger." Speaking of wanting to know everything: WHTIS967.ARC identifies every Atari file known to man. If you don't like this week's version, stay tuned 'til next week when we'll have WHAT IS 968. There's nothing like a little "animated" conversation: DDFREAK.ARC is a .SEQ animation of an Atariuser losing his mind while discovering Data Diet just "dietized" his entire hard drive into zero bytes. Neat-o splatter effects at the end. Meet any hot babes on-line? This one's for you: BLACKBK.ARC is your very own personal "Little Black Book" desk accessory. Say it's Tuesday night in Delphi or Wednesday night in GEnie, you've just met this robo-babe during that week's RTC and you whisper, "Hey, wanna go to Room 4?" She shoots back: "Why I barely know you." So kicking yourself, you ask for her on- line address. Now you can put it in your Little Black Book, in which you can not only store addresses, but rate your "conquests" -- was she "Fast On The Keyboard?" Did she have a "Hot Nickname?" Did you have the same interests like file compression, data squeezing, and code splitting? Quick, get me some ice! Here's one for the "what kind of DTP do you do" department: ROSEANNE.ARC is a 400dpi scan using Migraph's hand-scanner of a nude Roseanne Barr. Set your modem to "auto-pilot" and go see a movie as this is now the largest graphic file in Atari history and will easily take you almost two hours to download. ****************************************************************** > ZZZzz Report's Editorial Page "Saying It Taking A Whiz" ----------------------------- From The Editor's Desk ---------------------- The word is creeping fast out of CeBit in Germany -- Atari is building Falcons. Can you believe this? We've been waiting for who knows how long for FSM GDOS, the ST Book, anything with more than a 68030 processor and now our special correspondent tells us Atari has turned its attention to falcons! Now if Atari wanted to get into the military business, maybe it should first tell the Army to stop spending money needlessly and buy money-saving STE's and TT's. Leave it to the Tramiels to start building F-16 warplanes when the government is cutting back on its defense budget and who the hell is going to buy them? Airbases are closing, and now Atari picks a fine time to add aircraft to its computer line. I hope Uncle Sam will consider these Falcon jets because Atari makes the finest computer in the land! And why shouldn't they give this same attention and quality when making aircraft? It's so ironic that Atari is making Falcons when Spectrum Holobyte, makers of the "Falcon" simulation, announced they aren't even going to support the Atari any longer! What's really puzzling me is where Atari could possibly be making these Falcons? They sold their plant in Taiwan and are now hiring out factories to put together STE's and TT's. Perhaps those same "guns for hire" are assembling these awesome aircraft, a wing here and fuselage there. And then they solder all the pieces together in a warehouse in Sunnyvale! Won't it be a delightful sight to go to airshows and see our boys flying those mighty birds with the Atari logo on the side! I don't want to make anything big out of these rumors. After all, these are just RUMORS -- R-U-M-O-R-S! But if they're true, well then, hats off to Bill Rehbock and company for doing something for the entire country. Now maybe everyone will realize just how great Atari is and buy one of their excellent CPU's. It would be a very patriotic thing to do! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ZZZzz Report International Atari Online Magazine is a one-time only publication covering Atari and other suspicious and dubious characters associated with it. Material published in this edition may be reprinted under the following terms only. First, you must send a note from your mother giving you permission to play around with dangerous electronic equipment. Then stand on your head and repeat 50 times: "How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?" Turn around three times, and touch your head and stomach at the same time while humming the theme from "The Dean Martin Show featuring The Goldiggers." This publication is not affiliated with the Atari Corporation, but if you'd like to open up a branch of the ZZZzz Report BBS and use our name, feel free to do so and you can be affiliated with us! ZZZzz Report is copyright (c) 1992, Captain Midnight Publishing, Inc. New York, NY. All rights reserved. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This issue of ZZZzz Report is dedicated to every on-line Atari user ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Goodnight, Gracie....