~MAIN HELP SCREEN SETUP/EXIT HELP SCREEN From this prompt you may elect to enter the SET-UP screen for Jokes & Quotes or exit the program. You can exit the program any time by pressing the ESC key. The SET-UP screen allows you to configure screen colors, reset joke categories, set screen blanker timeout, select/deselect joke categories and much more. Feel free to configure Jokes & Quotes to suit your individual taste. ~MAIN HELP SCREEN ~PRINTER NOT READY PRINTER NOT READY Your printer is either offline, out of paper, or not switched on. If you are running from a LAN you may need to print to a network printer. For instructions ask you LAN administrator. If you have checked your printer and it is ready to print select RETRY to print the currently displayed quote. ~PRINTER NOT READY ~RANDOM SELECT RANDOMLY SELECT CATEGORY AT STARTUP Checking this option will cause the program to randomly select a category each time the JQ program is run. It will select only from active categories and selects only once. You may stop random selection anytime by pressing a key. After random selection is displayed you may use the arrow keys to select other categories. ~RANDOM SELECT ~SOUND ON/OFF SOUND ON / OFF Checking this option turns on the "Clicking" sound made each time a key is pressed or the mouse is clicked. ~SOUND ON/OFF ~RESTART CATEGORY RESTART CATEGORY WHEN EMPTY Each category has a given number of jokes or quotes usually between 75 and 200. (Some more, some less.) By checking this option the category will start redisplaying at record one when the last record has been displayed. If you leave this option unchecked the category will go inactive when the last joke or quote is displayed. While inactive it will not be randomly selected and will not show up on the main screen. You can replace this category with a new one if you are running J&Q on a stand-alone system or if running from a network you can tell your LAN administrator that the joke file is empty. ~RESTART CATEGORY ~RUN DEMO MODE JOKES & QUOTES DEMO MODE Jokes & Quotes can run as a stand-alone DEMO. By checking this option the program will randomly select categories and display quotes until a key is pressed. In DEMO mode the program will pause 2 seconds for each line displayed plus 2 seconds. Ex: If a 3 line quote is displayed the program will pause a total of 8 seconds. Two seconds for each line plus two seconds. If the number of lines exceeds 13 (Meaning some of the text is off the screen the program pauses for 28 seconds. Two seconds for each displayed line plus two seconds. ~RUN DEMO MODE ~CHANGE COLOR CHANGE COLOR CONFIGURATION Each time you select this option the screen colors change. There are eight different "color sets" to choose from. The color setting is saved automatically each time the program is exited. ~CHANGE COLOR ~SCREEN BLANKER SCREEN BLANKER OPTION You may use this feature to have your monitor's screen go "blank" after a specified number of minutes. Simply enter the number of minutes to wait before blanking the screen. Pressing a key will restore the screen. ~SCREEN BLANKER ~RESTART RESET RESTART CATEGORIES AND RESET J&Q CONFIGURATIONS This option will restore all categories to record one and reset the J&Q configurations to their defaults. Be very careful using this feature. If you reset the categories you will have to re-view any jokes or quotes you may have already viewed. ~RESTART RESET ~RESET A RECORD RESET A CATEGORY TO A SELECTED RECORD This option allows you to reset a given category to any record. This can be handy if you would like to see a previously displayed record. It can also be handy when new categories are added. You can use this option to reset the category to zero. When you select this option the hi-lite bar will move to the category side of the screen. When you select a category you will be prompted to enter a record number for that category. The record number displayed is the current record. The number you enter is the one where display will begin. If you go over the maximum number of records in the category it will be reset to zero. ~RESET A RECORD ~PRINT QUOTE PRINT CURRENTLY SELECTED QUOTE This feature allows you to send the currently selected quote to a printer. When you select this option you will be prompted to choose the port your printer is connected to. For most computers this will be LPT1. If you have more than one printer or you are printing to a network printer you may need to select a different port. If running from a network ask your LAN administrator for assistance. ~PRINT QUOTE ~EXIT SETUP EXIT SETUP The option simply saves the current configuration and exits back to the main view screen. From the main view screen you may press ESC to exit the program. ~EXIT SETUP ~RIGHTSIDE ENABLE/DISABLE CATEGORY DISPLAY This option allows you to select or deselect the display of any available category. For example if don't care to view a particular category select this option. Now use the ARROW keys or mouse to hi- lite the category name then press ENTER or click with the mouse. When the û is displayed the category can be viewed. When the û is not displayed the category cannot be viewed either manually or by random selection. ~RIGHTSIDE ~THKABOUT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT This is a specially selected collection of jokes, quotes, and short stories that bear special consideration. They offer insight and fodder for contemplation. Wisdom is a prize and for anyone who seeks more this collection will provide much to be pondered. ~THKABOUT ~OXYMORON OXYMORON Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp" Moros = "dull" Oxymoron...a self contradicting phrase. For example: A sharp dullness or a foolish wise. ~OXYMORON ~ONELINE ONE LINE WIT This is a tremendous collection of "One Liners". Quotes, jokes, quips, maxims, wisdom and more all in a single line. ~ONELINE ~TYPOS TYPOS This is a collection of typographical errors made by professionals in their field. Most look like honest mistakes but some kind'a make you wonder. ~TYPOS ~SELECTED SELECTED SCRIPTURES This is a collection of selected scripture verses taken from the King James version of the Holy Bible. Over 300 scriptures, each selected for the special message it bears. ~SELECTED ~PROVERBS THE BOOK OF PROVERBS The is the entire book of Proverbs from the King James version of the Holy Bible. The Book of Proverbs encompasses a vast array of human situations from love and marriage to drunks and thievery. There are some real gems of wisdom here. The first part of the Book of Proverbs is a dissertation on the merit and nature of Wisdom. The individual proverbs begin occuring around record #43. ~PROVERBS ~LAWYERS LAWYERS Everybody hates lawyers...until they need one. This collection of jokes is all about lawyers and the humorus side of their profession. Some of these jokes tend to be short stories so be prepared to spend some time and make sure you use the PGDN and PGUP keys when the scroll bar appears on the right side of the screen. ~LAWYERS ~LAWSHORT LAWYERS II This is a second collection of lawyer jokes all in the form of questions and answers. ~LAWSHORT ~TOP10 TOP10 This is a collection of TOP 10 lists from the Late Night With David Letterman Show. These lists were selected from more than a thousand that were downloaded from the Public Domain, Consumer Electronics Forum on Compuserv. ~TOP10 ~KIDTALK KID TALK This is a collection of jokes that deals with the child's point of view. Easy going fun that any parent can relate to. ~KIDTALK ~POLITICS POLITICS Whether you're a Republican, a Democrat or an innocent bystander you're bound to feel the effects of a "Government at large". This collection of jokes, quotes and political ponderings tries to "lighten up" the darker side of our country's leadership. ~POLITICS ~GETNOLD GETTING OLD... It's a fact of life. If you live long enough you're going to get old. Considering the alternatives, are there any reason why you wouldn't want too? Just in case you're getting old and you havn't quite realized it yet...Try a few of these to see if they ring any bells... ~GETNOLD ~QUIPWIT QUIPS & WIT This is a large collection of quips, one liners, and witticisims. Not a whole lot of wisdom but the fun abounds... ~QUIPWIT ~QUOTED QUOTED A collection of quotes from many famous and not-so-famous people. Always witty but not necessarily wise. ~QUOTED ~QUOTABLE QUOTABLE QUOTES This is a collection of quotes from many famous people with something to say. Most of the quotes here are laden with wisdom and understanding. ~QUOTABLE ~DISORDER DISORDER IN THE COURT! TRANSQUIPS! Most language is spoken language, and most words once they are uttered vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of court reporters whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the proceedings. Court is now in session, and here are some favorite transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the courtroom word: This file was posted on the Fidonet Mensa Echo by Bob Hirshfeld, Esq., of Greater Phoenix Mensa. ~DISORDER ~BULBJOKE THE CANONICAL COLLECTION OF LIGHT BULB JOKES Light Bulb jokes, you know what these are all about... ~BULBJOKE ~TVAXIOMS REAL LIFE IN FANTASY LAND! TV AXIOMS Have you ever been watching a TV show and you just know what's going to happen next. You say, "Watch this, he's going to...", or something like, "You know that could never happen in real life...". Well if you have you've been victimized by TV axiom's. In the real world 6000 bullets fired at a good guy would probably have their effect, but not on TV... ~TVAXIOMS ~PRACJOKE PRATICAL JOKES This is a collection of practical jokes downloaded from various BBS systems. The whole collection contained about 600 different jokes. The ones presented here were the only one's out of the entire lot that seemed suitable for the public at large. Many of the jokes were much too harmful and dangerous or just too disgusting. The one's presented here however, offer some fun entertainment or maybe even some good ideas... ~PRACJOKE ~DOWNHOME This is a collection of jokes and quotes centering on the lighter side of home life and regular folks. Friendly fun for anyone who's been a part of family living. ~DOWNHOME ~COOKIES FORTUNE COOKIES Most everyone's been to a chinese resturant and tried a fortune cooky. Some wise, some silly, some right on target. Well here's computer cookies at their best. Note: The fortune cooky category is different from all other categories in that the different messages are selected randomly rather than in sequence. This was done the give the Fortune Cookies a touch of mystic. There are 694 different messages to select from so the odds of getting the same one twice in a row is slim... but it does happen. ~COOKIES ~ZIPPY ZIPPY THE PINHEAD The file consists of zippy quotations (from various comic books and strips by Bill Griffith) from Zippy the Pinhead. Strange stuff, but bizarrly interesting. ~ZIPPY ~REALDUMB REAL DUMB PEOPLE Most everyone has heard Blonde jokes but not everyone has the hair color to appreciate them, hence "Real Dumb People" jokes. These jokes were originally "Dumb Blonde" jokes but a friend of mine (Who had black hair) was offended, so rather than waste a great collection of jokes, those that "worked" were converted to "Real Dumb People" jokes. Now the only one's who can be offended are the real dumb people and hopefully they'll be smart enough not to admit it. ~REALDUMB ~THESEXES Men and Women; they were made for each other. They don't always understand each other but when they're together, things happen... ~THESEXES ~ASCIIART ASCII ART From the early days of computing to the here and now it seems the users of keyboards and monitors have felt the need to express their artistic yearnings. :-) With a little discernment and imagination some common and well known characters can take on a whole new meaning. The various faces used to convey messages was born out of the need to communicate complex thoughts quickly using only the keyboard and monitor. When leaving a message on a computer Bulletin Board System these symbols can add flavor and personality. ~ASCIIART ~INSULTS INSULT ME! Just in case you're ever feeling too good about yourself you can turn to your computer to put you back on track. This is a collection of insults and nags that ought to put a smile on the face of the slanderee. Have fun! ~INSULTS ~NICE SOMETING NICE If you ever feel like you need a lift or maybe you feel the need to be lavished in praise and admiration just turn on the computer and have it say something nice to you. This collection of complements is just the thing start you out with the right attitude. ~NICE ~REDNECKS YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN... This is a collection of quips describing one of the more "colorful" characters of our society. When you meet one you pretty much know it and if you are one most everyone else knows it. Have fun! ~REDNECKS ~EXCUSES I'D REALLY LOVE TO BUT... Have you ever been asked out on a date... but you really didn't want to go or maybe your Aunt invites you over to play Parchesie on Saturday night. What you really need is a good excuse. So have at em! ~EXCUSES ~SQUEAKY SQUEAKY CLEAN This is a collection of "squeaky clean" jokes that should be suitable to tell just about anywhere. Whether in school, in church or in front your most prudish Aunt these jokes should go over like a 747 at 20,000 feet! ~SQUEAKY ~LIMERICK LIMERICKS You've all heard limericks, the cute little rhymes that tell a story in a few short lines. Here's a collection of some of the best and most entertaining ever heard. Have fun! ~LIMERICK ~DAFFY DAFFINITIONS DAFFINITION: A definition for a word that more closely explains it's "real life" meaning. ~DAFFY ~COMPQUIP COMPUTER QUIPS & QUIBBLES This collection of jokes and quotes is selected for the high-tech computer junkie. These quotations will have the most meaning for those people who are involved in the computer industry. ~COMPQUIP ~TRUTHS TRUTHS A collection of quotations and stories that express the hidden truths that lay in the simple observations of everyday living. There's a lot of wisdom to be seen by one who is looking. ~TRUTHS ~PHILQUOT PHILOSOPHICAL QUOTES This collection of quotes comes from many of the great minds throughout history. They're collected here to provoke thought and contemplation. Many of these quotes will also provoke controversy and rebuke so in reading them you should bear in mind that all quotations are just opinions and sometimes are not worth the time it takes to repeat them. ~PHILQUOT ~SEX WHAT ABOUT SEX? This is a highly unusual collection of quotes concerning the subject of sex. Probably not what you're expecting, these quote come from some of the wisest and most brilliant people in all of human history. Many of these quotations date back to the days before the birth of Christ, as far back as 600 BC. Take em for what their worth. ~SEX ~TELLKIDS JOKES TO TELL THE KIDS Lot's and lot's of really cute and super clean question and answer jokes. This is just the kind of stuff to remember to take home to the kids. Some of these are really dumb, but that's what tends to make them so funny... ~TELLKIDS ~IF IF If this, then that, that's the name of this game. This collection of jokes, quotes and quips all begin with a question... ~IF ~NATURAL NATURAL LAWS This is a collection of some of the natural laws and observations of human living. Lot's of fun stuff that more often than not expresses some real and tangible truth. You may even have some natural laws of your own. ~NATURAL ~SECRETS YOUNG'S 1861 SCIENTIFIC SECRETS As data for Jokes & Quotes this text file was edited to contain only selected portions. Only a few of the hundreds of "secrets" in the book are presented here. The following was a prelude to the text of the book. January 1990 One day, while raiding my parents attic, I came across some old books we had enjoyed as children. "YOUNG'S DEMONSTRATIVE TRANSLATION OF SCIENTIFIC SECRETS" being one of them. Everyone liked to look through the old book to see the way things were done over one hundred and twenty five years ago. The problem, of course, was that the combination of age and frequent handling were having a disastrous effect on the book's physical condition. The solution was to copy the book so we could enjoy what it contained without further damage to the original. During the summer of 1987 my nephew (Bob Gravonic) and I copied it on to my computer. It's been done as faithfully as possible. Obscure items have been copied exactly as printed and many of the spellings which you may attribute to copy mistakes are as they were originally printed. While every effort has been made to ensure that what you now have is an exact copy of the original text, we make no guarantees to this end. We definitely do not encourage the use of the remedies or medicines listed in the text for various ailments and diseases. Some of the ingredients called for in many of the receipts may leave you puzzled. Join the club. We don't know where to find "two scruples of calomel" (No. 344) either. And we're sure the SPCA would have something to say about pouring fresh melted butter in a horse's ears (No. 321). My own favorite is number 509, the GOOD SAMARITAN PAIN KILLER which begins with two quarts of 95% alcohol and one ounce of the oil of turpentine. Our family has had much enjoyment from this curious old book. We hope you do to. Paul Hubbs Toronto, Ontario (Canada) January 6, 1990 ~SECRETS ~MAXIMS DR. FRANKLINS MAXIMS FOR WEALTH Dr. Franklins Maxims for Wealth come from a curious old book named Young's Demonstrative Translation of Scientific Secretes. This old book written over 125 years ago contains information still relevent today. The following text was presented as a prelude to the collection of maxims. It seems some of the laws of human nature never change. THE WAY TO WEALTH "The way to wealth," says Doctor Franklin, "is as plain as the way to market." Many men, however, either miss the way, or stumble and fall on the road. Fortune, they say, is a fickle dame - full of her freaks and caprices; who blindly distributes her favors without the slightest descrimination. So inconsistant, so wavering is she represented, that her most faithful votaries can place no reliance on her promises. Disappointment, they tell us, is the lot of those who make offerings to her shrine. Now, all this is a vile slander upon the dear blind lady. Although wealth often appears the result of mere accident, or a fortunate concurrence of favourable circumstances, without any exertion of skill or foresight, yet every man of sound health and unimpaired mind may become wealthy, if he takes the proper steps. Foremost in the list of requisites, are honesty and strict integrity in every transaction of life. Let a man have the rep- utation of being fair and upright in his dealings, and he will possess the confidence of all who know him. Without these qualities, every other merit will prove unavailing. Ask concerning a man, "Is he active and capable ?" Yes. "industrious, temperate, and regular in his habits ?" O Yes. "Is he honest ? is he trustworthy ?" Why, as to that, I am sorry to say that he is not to be trusted; he wants watching; he is a little tricky, and will take an undue advantage, if he can. "Then I will have nothing to do with him:" will be the invariable reply. Next, let us consider the advantages of a cautious circumstances in our intercourse with the world. Slowness of belief, and a proper distrust are essential to success. The credulous and confiding are ever the dupes of knaves and imposters. Ask those who have lost their property how it happened, and you will find in most cases it has been owing to misplaced confidence. One has lost be endorsing; another by crediting; another by false representatives; all of which a little more foresight and a little more distrust would have prevented. In the affairs of this world, men are not saved by faith, but by the want of it. Judge men by what they do, not by what they say. Believe in looks rather than in words. Before trusting a man, before putting it in his power to cause you a loss, posses yourself of every available information relative to him. Learn his history, his habits, inclinations and pro- pensities; his reputation for honesty, industry, frugality, and punctuality; his prospects, resources, supports, advantages and disadvantages; his intentions and motives of action; who are his friends and enemies, and what are his good and bad qualities. You may learn a man's good qualities and advantages from his friends - his bad qualities and disadvantages from his enemies. Make due allowance for exaggeration in both. Finally, examine carefully before engaging in anything, and act with energy afterward. Have the hundred eyes of Argus beforehand, and the hundred hands of Briarius afterward. ~MAXIMS