Subject: Satellite of Love News #9

From: [email-masked] (Richard Kulawiec)
Date: Mon, 23 Dec 91 7:24:48 EST

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Item 1:
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From: [email-masked] (Patrick Fitzgerald)
Date: Tue, 5 Nov 91 10:35:24 CST
Subject: GIFs via anonymous ftp

GIFs of Tom Servo [and other MST3K folks] are available via anonymous ftp from

	Location:	"syrinx.umd.edu"  or  "128.8.2.114"
	Directory:	mst3k/images

Thanks to David Arnold ([email-masked]) for providing the site!
If you want to see more CAD GIFs, give me a yell.

cambot.gif	- Joel with cambot in the mirror
croooow!.gif	- the wisecracker himself
crowjoel.gif	- in the theater from the opening credits
gizmonic.gif	- the grounds of the venerable institute
gypsy.gif	- Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart! Richard Basehart!

Thanks to Don Cotnoir-Strong for making these gifs.  Claire
Cotnoir-Strong ([email-masked]) (Don's wife) should now
be on the mailing list, and I am forever indebted to them for first
telling me about MST3K when it was on the Comedy Channel.

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Item 2:
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From: Paul Andrew Sabourin <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 11 Nov 91 17:41:16 EST
Subject: GIF announcement 

This comes directly from my brother, and I'm sending it along to all
you fellow MiSTies:

Begin forwarded message:

>From: [email-masked] (Richard W. Sabourin)
>Subject: MST3000 GIFs!
>
>	I have made some GIF files from the 11/2 episode of MST3k available
>for anonymous ftp, in two tar files. Actually, most of them are from the
>intro segment (the same every week).
>	I gamma-corrected them to look passable on a Sun (Trinitron)
>monitor; I hope they're not too bright or dim for anybody out there.
>This offer is for a limited time only (2 weeks probably). If they're well
>received, I'll hopefully be able to generate some more. Here's the
>particulars: 
>
>	host: wilma.cs.brown.edu (128.148.31.66)
>	files: pub/mst3k_part1.tar, mst3k_part2.tar  (each < 1MB)
>	(Please ignore the fascist copyright notices)
>
>	Thanks to: The Computer Science Graphics Group (a wholly-owned and
>highly profitable subsidiary), and to Joel, wherever you are.
>
>	Keep circulating those tapes,
>
>	Rick Sabourin <[email-masked]>

He sent me a copy of some of them, and they look pretty good,IMHO,
considering they're from a regular VHS tape.  The ones I know he has
are of: Joel  tipping hardhat (from opening, "not too different from
you or me..."; MST rotating moon (in greyscale, but that doesn't really
matter), Dr. Forrester & Frank (with a lovely green tint to them), and
Tom Servo (from opening, w/name in front of him, before he extends
neck).  He told me that he was working on getting a good shot of Crow
and a three shot from the "Turkey Day" commercials (in full
Thanksgiving garb).

Anyway, the ones I've seen look pretty good, and if you have any
requests, I've included his address above.  Be gentle though: he's
*supposed* to be working  :-).

ObQuote:
	"Do you think there's an abridged version of this movie?"
	"If there is, let's burn it."
		-Tom & Crow, "The Crawling Hand"

See you Friday morning,
Paul.

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From: [email-masked] (Ed Hughes)
Date: Thu, 14 Nov 91 16:29:39 EST 
Subject: Lone Ranger, the Moon Goon

I'm surprised that no one else (including Joel, Tom, and Crow,
as far as I know) has pointed this out, but Clayton Moore,
aka the Lone Ranger, was in the "Commando Cody" serial.  He
played the leader of the Moon Goons, the bunch of thugs that
"moon-guy-in-the-cave" hired.  He was the one who said he
didn't want to rob a bank.  If you close your eyes, you can
almost hear him saying "Tonto--go into town."

--Ed

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From: [email-masked] (Keith Barrett)
Date: Fri, 15 Nov 91 18:40:41 EST
Subject: SOL NewsLetter

I just got my color photo of Joel and the 'bots from the Information club;
it's GREAT! I'll have to order one of these pics for work :-). maybe I'll
take it to the store and try to match up various items and figure out what
Crow and Tom are made of ;-).

I'd like to give special thanks to Lynn-Anne Friese for sending me all the
old episodes so I can catch up, and to Nina Eppes for continuing to
provide me with the currect season (I don't have Comedy Central where I live)
so I can keep up. Keep Circulating the Tapes :-)

Keith Barrett

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From: "Another piece of annoying mail for you..." <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 1991 22:26 EST
Subject: My thoughts on the newsletter...

Hi world!,

	I was just thinking: why not break up the newsletter into
more manageable clumps?  Maybe put out a digest of song transcripts,
one with schedule info, one with discussion, etc.  It would make life
a little easier on my end...:)

[ Hmmm.  Well, one problem with this is that it would cause some items
to be delayed for a long time until enough of the same type accumulated
to warrant sending out a digest.  A second problem is that related items
(say, a song transcript from an episode and a discussion about that episode)
might wind up considerably separated from each other.

Since the mailing list is still very new (less than 6 months old) and since
the digests still constitute only a small volume of mail, I'm inclined to
keep things as they are for the moment, i.e. to send things out in roughly
the same order as they're sent in.  But I am keeping track of suggestions
like these and will try to implement as many as I can. ---Rsk ]

	A couple of people mentioned that MST3K was starting to wear off on
them (putting quotes into weird movies and so on).  I just wanted to say that I
have been doing that for years!  My brother started me on it when he used to 
put in dialog for all those great monster movies.  And the Rocky Horror Picture
Show has made it into an art.  Of course, now I find myself doing it more often
than I used to.  (_Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer_ was one of the stranger
ones  :) )  For a ton of fun, try _Friday the 13th: Part 8.  We couldn't help 
ourselves!  :)

"Y'know, Steven King used vi when he was in high school!"  :)

ObMST: Tom: "Now let me get this straight: he kills a deer, tans the hide,
and stretches it over the anodized steel frame...!"

				From _Cave Dwellers_

				Pax et Lux,
					T.M. Hannon

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Item 6:
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From: Chuck Tomasi <[email-masked]>
Date: Sun, 17 Nov 91 22:05:56 CST
Subject: Credits

> Does anyone else have a good MST3k story of this nature, I think it'd
>be fun to hear them along with all the song lyrics and what not.

Do I?!  I have been doing this before MST3K ever hit the airwaves.
Didn't anyone else?  It has been a "family tradition" to masacre "The
Wizard of Oz" and "The Grinch Who Stole Christmas" whenever and wherever
possible.

Every day at lunch I eat with the same group of a half dozen or so (plus
or minus a few from day to day.)  We normally each lunch in the board
room of our company, but the auditors have been in so we've been eating
in another conference room.  It just so happened that there was a
meeting going on before lunch.  They were probably showing our company
promo tape and forgot it in there.  We decided to turn on the tube and
see what was on.  A soap here, a boring show there, but we came across
a half over B/W movie.  This was a doozie and it allowed me to illustrate
my "talents" in full color.  MST3K is merely a way to fine tune this 
skill. All through the lunch hour I was spitting out typical MST3K 
lines such as: 

The phone rings and the man picks it up.

Me: (in a voice mimicing the other end) "Are you where a bra?"
Man who answered the phone: "Yes?"

There were also other lines that were not so typical, but could have
been.  When they showed a new character for the first time it was a
heavy set man sitting down.  His jowls were hanging over his shirt
collar.  The first words out of my mouth coincided with his only I was
louder in saying "Is it lunchtime yet?"  The rest of the people eating
lunch thought it was hysterical.  Doesn't this make you wish you worked
at Best Brains?

After watching Fugitive Alien II I kept singing "The forklift song"
song.  I would adapt the words as Tom Servo did... to anything that fit.
My wife wanted me to run to the corner to pick up a pizza.  I promptly
replied (in tune)

"This is the song to make me get the pizza.
I'll be right back in just a flash.
They'll try to kill me with a forklift."

I must have made up at least a dozen different variations on that same
theme.  It's simple because nothing need rhyme and you already know the
last line.

>Doesn't anybody watch the closing credits?  They explicitly list who does what
>voice.  If I remember correctly (since I'm sending this from work), the current
>voice of Tom Servo is Kevin Murphy.  Frank is played by someone else, no?
>(Frank Conniff?)  And Dr. Forrester and Crow are one and the same, i.e., Trace
>Beaulieu (sp).

They didn't do that in the first season.  They started doing that only
after Larry (Dr. Erhardt) left and coincidentally Tom's voice changed.
-- 
Chuck Tomasi           |  "Seen it."  "Hated it"  "Taped it."
[email-masked]  |   (Joel)       (Servo)     (Crow)  -- MST3K

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Item 7:
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From: [email-masked] (Keith Barrett)
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 08:43:19 EST
Subject: SOL Newsletter item [newsgroup thoughts]

I'd like to again discuss the topic of starting a newsgroup. I realize
this was addressed in a previous newsletter, but I'd actually like to
propose that we take some sort of vote concerning how many people would
like to see it happen. I believe that the newsletter MUST continue in
any event (and could even be posted to the newsgroup also), but a
newsgroup could also serve as a means of distributing GIFs, etc. for
those without viable FTP access (I have no FTP access, I pay $$ for
my email and news postings, but my incoming news is free).
    
Why can't we have both?
    
I believe it would have much more activity than the alt.tv.prisoner
newsgroup (which I run the FAQ for), and monthly items like FAQs would
eliminate a repeat of questions in the newsletter. Can we take votes for an
alt.tv.mst3k newsgroup?

[ I'll stand by the original reasons that I gave for not starting a
newsgroup; in brief, those are: (1) there are too few of us to justify
burdening the whole net with our postings, (2) many of the people on
the mailing list do not receive Usenet news, (3) there are not enough of
us to get a newsgroup created in the "regular" Usenet namespace, (4) groups
created in the "alt" namespace are poorly propagated.  I'll also add
a few more:

	A. Most unmoderated groups tend to degenerate into noise quickly.
	This has been a sad but true aspect of Usenet since about 1983
	or so, when the massive proliferation of news began.

	B. Referring back to (1) above, the burden on the net as a whole
	would be even worse if we started posting GIFs.  Frankly, those
	people with low-bandwidth connections to the net (e.g. UUCP only)
	may simply have to live without items that require high-bandwidth
	connections.  (It's not the worse thing in the world, and other
	arrangements could be made.)

	C. I have considerable experience with the rec.boats.paddle newsgroup
	and the whitewater mailing list (which I handle).  The hassles
	involved in bidirectionally gatewaying a Usenet newsgroup and
	a multi-net mailing list are not trivial.

	D. (strictly a personal opinion)  Nothing that we'll ever talk
	about in this group is of pressing importance; the disadvantage
	of waiting a few days or even a few weeks for turnaround is well
	worth the advantage of quiet, non-flaming discussion.

One final note: If you'd like to create a group in the "alt" namespace,
no vote is needed.  All you need to do is to issue the appropriate "newgrp"
message.  There's no guarantee that it will be honored by the site
admins around Usenet, however. ---Rsk ]

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Item 8:
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From: [email-masked]
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 08:36:23 PST
Subject: Ultimate Villain "Contest"

Okay, MiSTies, listen up...

Those of you who saw "Fugitive Alien II" last weekend [shame on Lynn-Anne for 
saying it was only FA and making us almost miss it!  :-) ] noticed Joel and 
the 'bots talking about how to create the best villain ever.  ("Richard 
Basehart, Richard Basehart, and Richard Basehart!"  Yes, Gypsy...)

My wife and I figured it would be a contest.  We figured wrong.

OR DID WE?

Here's our chance to seriously blow some minds at Best Brains.  I suggest we 
all think up "Ultimate Villain" entries and send them in to BBI as part of the 
"contest".  They won't know *what* the hell's going on!  :-)

Thoughts?

Tim Lynch

[ I think it's a great idea.  "Darth Vader, The Rabbit With Nasty Pointy
Teeth, and Bobby Knight". ---Rsk ]

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Item 9:
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From: "roberta chi-woon kwong" <[email-masked]>
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 15:06:05 CST
Subject: About MST3K's effects on the viewer

Someone asked in SOTL #8 about whether watching MST3K has had any effect
on how one watches movies now (sorry, forgot who brought it up).

Yes, definitely. I mean, talking back to the set/screen was something I used
to do anyway, and I'm sure most (if not all) of us did too. But after I
started watching MST, I found myself talking back to the set more and more
--and it's increasing at an alarming rate. It used to be just for bad movies
and such, but now I'm doing it, almost without realizing it, to shows that
I have always considered to be of "higher quality" (ie., Quantum Leap, 
Star Trek:TNG, etc.). No matter how serious an episode may be, or how deep
the drama is, I end up "MST-ing" ("misting"?) it anyway. This also happened
after I started watching "Mad Movies," though it wasn't quite as much. Of
course, I consider MST to be much better than MM was, at any rate.

On a slightly different slant: the main library here at Uofc called the
Joseph Regenstien. You know you're in big trouble when you stumble out
of Biology at 11:25am and read "Josh Weinstein"...

Just out of curiosity, who is your favorite on MST? For me, the competition's
awfully close, but I'd have to say Tom Servo (new) is my personal favorite.
He does the best "righteous indignation" expressions--and with Servo, that's
not easy! Kevin Murphy does an amazing job.

Robin C. Kwong
			"Ugh! Her back looks like a Klingon's forehead!"
				--Joel, "Hellcats"

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Item 10:
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From: [email-masked] (Al Duester)
Date: Fri, 22 Nov 91 09:28:49 -0500
Subject: updated MST3K marathon list

>No problem.  Here's that list.  Remember, this is Comedy Central we're
>talking about, so these are subject to change. :-)

Well, when I got home last night, there was a letter from Comedy Central
sitting in my mailbox. There have been some significant changes in the
schedule, so I modified your list and am sending it back, below. I'll be
posting this to rec.arts.tv and the MST3K mailing list also.  The letter is
dated Nov. 18, but the postmark was Nov. 15

Times are Eastern and Pacific

Wed.  11:59 pm Ring of Terror (Phantom Creeps part 3)
Thurs. 2:00 am Cave Dwellers
       4:00 am Jungle Goddess (Phantom Creeps part 1)
       6:00 am Side Hackers
       8:00 am Rocketship X-M
      10:00 am Rocket Attack U.S.A. (Phantom Creeps part 2)
       noon    Time of The Apes
       2:00 pm Wild Rebels
       4:00 pm The Amazing Colossal Man
       6:00 pm Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster
       8:00 pm Pod People
      10:00 pm Fugitive Alien
      midnite  Catalina Caper
Fri.   2:00 am Daddy-O (Alphabet Antics)
       4:00 am It Conquered The World (Snow Thrills)

Parenthesis'ed info from Lynn-Anne Friese
"Lost Continent" no longer appears on the list

[ This didn't show up until right before I left for a Thanksgiving
vacation, which is why it wasn't sent out sooner.  I suspect that
many folks taped things they didn't want to, and vice versa...but
of course that's why we Keep Circulating The Tapes. ---Rsk ]

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Item 11:
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From: [email-masked]
Date: Mon, 18 Nov 91 00:10:18 EST
Subject: Re: Satellite of Love News #8

        Thanks for the latest newsletter. Time to share another chapter of 

        MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER TERROR TALES!

        That's right, stories about how MST 3000 has turned otherwise normal, 
well-adjusted, and friendly people into JUGGERNAUTS OF SARCASM! I've already 
shared my experiences watching otherwise 'good' movies, and how now I'm 
DRIVEN by forces beyond my ken to make SNOTTY COMMMENTS.

        There's this coffeehouse I hang out at in West Philly, and every 
Thursday night they have poetry readings. Needless to say, a lot of the 
poetry is, well, pretty, horribly, evilly bad. So I'm sittign there with my 
friencd Marc and an acquaintance named Tammy, and the poet is reading, in 
this reedy voice, about "the jet planes that tear our skies, and the 
factories that foul our air, and the highways that scar our land..."

        ... and then my voice comes up from the back, completely out of my 
control, "and the Willie Nelson soundalike contests..."

        Full Silence in the place for a really awful moment. Marc looks at me 
as if I'd shot the guy... and when the guy finally went on, Marc went into a 
hemmorhage, laughing REALLY hard.

        We're going to lobby for a Poetry Review board soem night-- we'll 
makeup Crow and Tom Servo puppets, of course...

Mystery Science Theater 3000-- "That's right, your friend won't be able to 
take you ANYwhere..."

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Item 12:
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From: spaceman spiff <[email-masked]>
Date: Tue, 19 Nov 1991 10:54 EDT
Subject: MST3000 [miscellaneous comments]

Just some of my own comments to the discussions (past and present) residing in
the newsletter...

	ABOUT THE THEME - "Monitor his mind/ Monitor is mine" debate...

		Think about the premise of the show.  The Mads' are conducting
	   this experiment to find out the effect of crappy movies on Joel's
	   mind, hence, "Monitor his mind."

	Servo's Voice -  New Seasons

		If you take a look at the invention exchange for "The Amazing
	  Colossal Man" and listen to the voice for the "Plant that reviews 
	  music" that sounds an AWFUL lot like Servo...

		Anyone else out there who liked the old Servo's voice better?
		(not that the new one's bad...)

	Information Club

		What all do you get?  Is it worth the price of postage?
		And what's the number of BB studio?

        And finally,

	What kind of Collections of episodes do People have out there?
	  *I FINALLY have all of the first season on tape, as well as most of
	   the other episodes.  With this past weekend, I've now got 80 hours
	   (can you say marathon?) of the show on tape...

	About the possibility of a subsrciption-only comedy network...

	  I heard that they were going to set up a scrambling system so 
	Sattelite systems couldn't pick it up.  Would this also mean that cable
	customers would have to pay extra?  I mean, Comedy Central has only one 
	good show on the air right now, and that's MST3000.  I'd think they
	would lose a LOT of viewers...

Just my thoughts...
Chris Randall		University of Buffalo - Gateway to God Knows What...

"Don't just do something!!  Stand there!!"
	Tom Servo - Planet of Prehistoric Women

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Item 13:
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From: [email-masked] (R'ykandar Korra'ti)
Date: Thu, 21 Nov 91 23:58:56 PDT
Subject: Affected by MST3K

     Oh, yeah, sure; I'm getting the talk-back-at-it bug too. You should
see what I do to MacGyver when Anna watches it on TV. :-)
     On the thread about other movies to treat as MST3K fodder; well,
we want to do _Star Trek V_. We _were_ going to do it at the big
Paramount five-in-a-row thing a month or so ago, where they were going
to show all five movies, but couldn't get tickets.
     Scotty: "How many times to I have to say it? Use the RIGHT tool
          for the RIGHT job!"
     Us: "And the RIGHT director for the RIGHT film!"
     :-)
     It's _begging_ for it.
     The problem with MST3K actually doing ST5 (or, for that matter,
Bo Derek's _Tarzan the Ape Man_) is the cost involved in getting rights
to broadcast the film. ST5, no matter how horrible it may have been,
would still be staggeringly expensive. So would _Tarzan_, I suspect.
(Besides, by the time you got _Tarzan_ down to a G or PG rating, it'd
be an hour-long special.)
     One I wouldn't mind them doing is "From Hell It Came!" It's about
a Brazilian guy who gets killed and is reincarnated as a lusty tree.
There's also this 70's movie - and if anybody can help me out here, I'd
appreciate the title; it stars William Shatner as president of the United
States - wherein this one UFO in a flying saucer is causing everyone to
kill themselves via this "suicide ray" that looks a lot like a static
discharge. Awful plot, awful acting, awful sfx - just all around terrible.
I think it's a Canadian film. It'd be cheap, too.

     Favourite quote of the last few weeks, from _Viking Women vs. the
Sea Serpent_:
     Joel: "Uh, guys, this is getting really weird - there's a row of
          theatre seats silhouetted in the background there..."

R'ykandar Korra'ti
[email-masked] - [email-masked]

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Item 14:
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From: [email-masked]
Date: Sun, 24 Nov 1991 15:40:28 -0600 (CST)
Subject: MST3K [details about the set, cast]

   I just thought I'd throw in my two cents regarding some of the
discussions:

   I had an opportunity to examine the MST sets and Bots up close
when I was in the studio last spring. (My wife and I lent a hand
filming the exterior shot of Gamera approaching the SOL.) Poor
Gamera's plastic body was in somewhat sad shape after several
takes with the butane jets in his legs scorching it...
   Anyway, The SOL model hangs from fishline attached to a curtain
rod on the ceiling. The wall behind is black and covered with
Christmas lights, as an alert viewer suspected.
   To the right of the SOL is the Bridge interior set, elevated about
4 feet to allow the puppeteers some workspace. The set itself
contains some rather unlikely stuff stuck to the wall and painted 
gray; look for plastic reindeer, a Millenium Falcon model, little
trumpets, and even a child's potty seat (normally just out of
camera range on the left).
   On the other side of the SOL is the Mad's cavern set, and behind
that is the "Shado-ramma", essentially a cousin of the blue screen.
The "seats" are really just cutout silhouettes with the characters
in front facing the screen and looking at a monitor on the floor
which displays the composite image so they can interact with the
film. 
   The components of the Bots are pretty much as people have
surmised, except that Gypsy's head is a child's car seat.

   There is another room where the movies are actually screened
containing an enormous TV and lots of comfy chairs. A computer
in the corner is used to transcribe the comments that get called
out. This room is also plastered with their favorite fan mail,
typically drawings from little kids.

   Unlike some other famous/sucessful people, these guys are all
really nice, decent folks who care about what they're doing. They
really enjoy fan mail and don't mind the occasional call, but I
strongly recommend writing instead unless it's a business matter,
like getting permission to show tapes at a Con or something. They
are understandably nervous about being overrun with fans, so it's
really better if they're left in peace to create that which we all
have grown so fond of.

 -TJ

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Item 15:
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From: [email-masked] (Keith Barrett)
Date: Mon, 25 Nov 91 19:56:22 EST
Subject: MST3k up for an ACE

I just received this on Comedy Central Stationdary. I assume it's from the
MST3k Information Club:

MST3k has been nominated for an ACE Award in the Best Comedy Series category.

(Not bad for being forced to watch movies while stranded in orbit)

Keith Barrett

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Item 16:
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From: Paul Andrew Sabourin <[email-masked]>
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 12:06:52 EST
Subject: In the Washington Post

Joel and the gang got some good publicity today (Wed, Nov. 27) via an
article on MST3k on the front page of the Washington Post by Tom Shales
(general arts writer, I think).

It's sort of a review, sort of a description, and it is all *glowing*.
Ex: title of the article, "MST3K Means Fine Television" (nothing we
didn't already know   :-))

A couple of random quotes from said article:

"Each week is unreeled a certified piece of crap."

"It's the best thing that ever happened to worthless junk, a pure if
slightly perverse pleasure to watch. 'MST3K,' as it's known to its fans
-- who in turn are known to one another as 'Mistees' [yeah for us!!!!
We made the paper!!! --PS] -- is my new favorite television program,
extremely wonderful and instantly indispensable.

There is nothing about it  I don't like and nothing about it I would change."

"Oh, it's an acquired taste, all right, but once you acquire it you may become
its helpless slave for life." (Again, tell us something we don't know... :-))

The rest describes the show and has a brief interview w/ Joel.  If
there's any interest, I'll send people copies but I don't know if I
could post the whole thing (legal stuff).

Anyway, hooray for MST3k and for us.  We're famous. (Well, not quite us....)

As a side note, has anybody else noticed the *striking* similarity
between Crow's voice (by Trace Beaulieu? (sp?)) and the voice of the
Volkswagen 'fahrfegenugen' (sp?) spokesman guy?  Just curious.

Later,

Paul.

ObQuote:  "I love Ken, He is my sweet friend and I love him"
	-- the "I Love Ken" song from the "Fugitive Alien II Medley"

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Item 17:
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From: [email-masked]
Date: Wed, 27 Nov 91 11:23:18 EST
Subject: Time for a FAQ?

Rich:

Is anyone handling a Frequently Asked Questions list about MST3K?  It
may cut down on repetitive traffic in the newsletters.

Here are some MUST HAVE questions for a list:

  - What is MST3K & Where can I find it?
  - What are the lyrics to the Love Theme of MST3K?
  - Episode List
  - What do you get if you join the Information Club?
  - How do you join the Information Club?
  - Who are the four robots and what do they do?

Most of these answers can be found in past issues of the newsletters.
I'll be glad to create the FAQ and post it once a month, if everyone 
decides it's needed.  

Feel free to send e-mail and add to the list of questions...

Alex Bost
[email-masked] OR [email-masked]

[ I've already started one, and I'll send out a copy of it soon. ---Rsk ]

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Item 18:
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From: Dale Holod <[email-masked]>
Date: Thu, 7 Nov 91 9:39:27 PST
Subject: MST3000 [lots of quotes]

Greetings, Rich.

Many thanks for putting this newsletter together.  Now that I am finally
getting Comedy Central, I have started taping episodes (until now I have
had to watch tapes made by more fortunate friends).  I get to watch the
Saturday episodes (so I can edit out commercials, not so lucky on the
early Saturday shows), so I am also trying to write down any quotes that
especially tickle my old Firesign Theatre-warped sense of humor.

[ The quotes below have been mostly-hacked into Unix fortune(6) style
by your editor.  Synth, could you make sure these find their way into
the quotes file? ---Rsk ]

Choice quotes from GAMERA VS. ZIGRA

%%
"If you want me to be clever as a dolphin, I'll have to learn how to 
swim first."
	--- Kenny 
"And blow air out of the back of your neck!"
	--- Tom Servo
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"Whatever it is, we can't afford to show it."
	--- Crow commenting on very brief flying saucer special effect
	(like you see it for one second, it wobbles downward, and suddenly
	we are in a whole other scene - some special effect, Sandy).
%%
"Gaos is very big and everyone runs away with a flat head...ummh...with
a flat head that shoots laser beams."
	--- Tom Servo
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"Is there anyway to stop Zigra?  He must have a weakness.  Bomb him!
Drop more depth charges!..."
	--- Japanese military authority (2nd to Kenny)

"...build a bridge out of him?"
	--- Crow in a Monty Python voice
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"Sister that dress is headed for trouble, and it's taking you with it"
	--- Crow
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"Oh yeah, look, and travel through the 4th dimension? No problem.  But
stuffed animals, look out."
	-- Crow commenting on the escape of Kenny and
	his sister from the Zigra girl.
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"Stay away from those powerful hind legs!"
	--- Tom Servo on the Zigra girl
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"Gentile"
	--- Tom Servo commenting on Gamera poking his head out of his shell
	(slowly the neck skin peels back...sorry about the graphic detail -
	I think you get the picture, but you have to see it to believe it).
%%
"Tonight, the fish sleep with Lucca Brazzi!"
	---Tom Servo on Gamera's big bludgeoning of Zigra on land
	(in a twist on the line from the Godfather

Choice quotes from VIKING WOMEN AND THE SEA SERPENT

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"It's not the size of the boat; it's the motion of the ocean."
	--- Tom Servo
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"Sorry about the costume.  Corman's poodle died, and he hates to waste
anything."
	--- Tom Servo on the early Sonny Bono styles of the enemy leader.
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"C'mon. Squeal like Ned Beatty!"
	--- Tom Servo after tall Viking woman has just speared a boar
	about to lunch the sissy son of the enemy leader.
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"No, no.  My life alone would be meaningless."
	--- Viking woman

"More meaningless."
	--- Crow
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"Oh, they licked her to death."
	--- Tom Servo on dogs killing Viking woman

"I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww."
	--- Crow
%%
"Let's face it, sticky fingers, waffles are nothing more than a vehicle
for butter and syrup."
	--- Dr. Forrester
%%
"When we regained our strength, we tried to escape..."
	--- captured Viking man

"...but the Sun was in our eyes."
	--- Crow
%%
"ROGER! THIS IS GOD! PICK UP THE PACE!"
	--- Tom Servo in response to glorious cloudy sky scene
	(in a gruesomely dead part of the movie).

Choice quotes from SLIME PEOPLE

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"Will some body please tell me what's happening?"
	--- Hero 

"Well, you signed a contract that your agent couldn't get you out of and ..."
	--- Crow
%%
"Hello, Mom?"
	--- Joel

"Now listen, Son, you can't keep calling me up everytime you get a little
ripple in your fantasy world.  You're 45 years old!"
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Okay everybody...stop...look scared...move on."
	--- Joel
%%
"Are we going to be on television?"
	--- Bonnie (broadcasting news of disaster)

"Yes, but our Nielson rating won't be very high."
	--- Crow
%%
"Maybe Cal can help us.  Cal, did you actually see the wall?"
	--- Professor

"No, I saw them on the Dark Side of the Moon tour."
	--- Tom
%%
"You know, you give life to two inanimate objects, and they turn around
and mock your entire species."
	--- Joel
%%
"Alright you old coot, you lovable subplot, come on."
	--- Joel (on writer)
%%
"We're only going about 300 feet, just enough to find the wall."
	--- Professor

"If you drag out our rotting, broken carcasses, it means it didn't work
out too well."
	--- Crow
%%
"Genius waits for noone."
	--- Writer (pounding on door)

"But stupidity hammers on a deserted building."
	--- Crow
%%
"Cal, she's not dead."
	--- Professor (on Bonnie's abduction by Slime person)

"She's probably having the slime of her life."
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Look at this; blonde hair."
	--- Hero

"Yeah, you can usually find a blonde hair..."
	--- Crow
"...in a wheat field..."
	--- Tom Servo
"...at night in a fog."
	--- Joel
%%
"Yeah, Joel, nothing's scarier than a big boiled lobster with a bad, oozing
head cold;  a big, scaly, wart-encrusted crab-monster leaking mucus from
every..."
	--- Crow

                     COMMANDO CODY SHORT QUOTES

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"Uh, oh.  This isn't good.  I've seen good before, and this isn't it."
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"You know, there's nothing like being in a gunfight with 600 pounds of
high test nitro rocket fuel on your back."
	--- Joel
%%
"Steve, have you ever looked at a squirrel before?  I mean really up close?"
	---Joel
%%
"Serpentine"
	--- All (frequent comment on jungle-fighter (NOT!) moves)
%%
"Yes.  We've been dealing with genetic mutations since you were in short pants."
	--- Dr. Forrester

"And we finally applied our principles to carnival food.  We came up with
cotton candy that screams when you bite it."
	--- Other Mad Scientist (not Frank)
%%

Choice quotes from TEENAGE CAVEMAN

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"Good thing I had the safety on; I could have blown your head off!"
	--- Joel on (Robert) Vaughn whipping out spear at sound
	of approaching father
%%
"How about a dinner, movie, and a drag by the hair?"
	--- Crow
%%
"Why do you build and then break?"
	--- Vaughn

"It's the third great gift to man..."
	--- Third Keeper

"...vandalism!"
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"One thing...this thing which gives death with its touch..."
	--- Vaughn

"...Penny Marshall?"
	--- Crow
%%
"I'm going to have to kill you!"
	--- Frank (struggling with Dr. Forrester)

"Well, you're going to have to kill me first!"
	--- Dr. Forrester
%%
"It's a tree; walk around it!"
	--- Crow (Vaughn stops at tree and ponders)
%%
"Uh, note to myself.  Bring more spears next time."
	--- Tom Servo 
%%
"Oh now we're really in trouble.  The Todd monster just bought it.  That is
one messed up little dude!"
	--- Crow (for caveboy after quicksand kills one)

"What's going on here?  It was just a drowning.  So what are you waiting
for, a receipt?"
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Uh oh, Rob!  Your dad found your stash!"
	--- Crow (Vaughn's father stops and looks at very suspicious patch
	of weeds)
%%
"Oh!  The "Swift Pan".  They can use that later on The Man From Uncle."
	--- Crow
%%
"An amateur photographer took these pictures of early police work."
	--- Crow on brutal assault by cavemen
%%
"Actually, I call this one Opus 1, Number 1, Circa Listing 1."
	--- Crow on Vaughn's first attempts to invent music with a reed flute

"Uh, do you know any Tull?"
	--- Tom Servo (for Vaughn's girlfriend)
%%
"Oh, everything's evil to you!  Can't you just give it a chance?"
	--- Joel
%%
"Oh, he invented the quiver!"
	--- Tom Servo (Vaughn enters scene with one)

"So did she.  Ooh."
	--- Joel and Crow (girlfriend follows him into scene)
%%
"Hmm.  More holes in the plot!  Let's follow them."
	 --- Tom Servo (on deep footprints in jungle floor)
%%
"If a tree fell in the forest, would Roger Corman go over budget?"
	--- Tom
%%
"Out of the sprawling millions of the Earth, a handful escaped all harm 
through fortune or design."
	--- Narrator

"Oh, like Neil Bush!"
	--- Tom Servo

                      CATCHING TROUBLE QUOTES

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"We go into the swamp on foot."
	--- Narrator (Jim Fowler wanna-be leaves dug-out canoe
	with Seminole guide)

"With Emo Phillips in a dress!"
	---  Tom Servo (Yep, that's what he looks like)
%%
"Ahh, bite me!  I will prevail.  Mine is a noble race!"
	--- Tom Servo (for the wildcat they are trying to capture)

Choice quotes from WOMEN OF THE PREHISTORIC PLANET

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"And you're no Jack Kennedy, Senator."
	--- Joel
%%
"And that playground ball is a threat, too."
	--- Joel on cheap planet shot
"We're gonna crash into a Universal Picture!"
	--- Crow on view from crashing spaceship
%%
"Well, keep me informed."
	--- Admiral

"That's not gonna be easy.  You're a real mutton head."
	--- Crow 
%%
"Now be kind to me ladies.  Don't forget that I'm your ingenious engineer,
the master of the maneuvering room, and the actuator of your gravitatior."
	--- Engineer Bradley

"Not to mention a flatulating butthead."
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"People ALWAYS seem to comfort her."
	--- Tom Servo (he's right!)
%%
"Don't just do something;  stand there!"
	--- Tom Servo on women standing by and watching big struggle
%%
"Their technology must be light years ahead of ours.  Their use
of stock is amazing."
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, shut up!  What are you, Confucious?  Just cross the dry ice and SHUT UP!!!"
	--- Crow
%%
"Is he primordial soup yet?"
	 --- Joel on boiling pool where spaceman has just drowned
	(or is it boiled?)
%%
"What's a dead man but a live man without any life?"
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Oh, Captain Crunch Comfort Ring, help me out of this awful jam."
	--- Joel
%%
"Thank you, Betty, Veronica, and Jughead."
	--- Tom Servo for Admiral
%%
"Hey!  Get me, I'm a wood nymph!"
	--- Crow in rough, Brooklynese voice as a spaceman springs over a log
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"More stock footage.  Hit the deck!"
	--- Tom Servo on volcanic eruption effect
%%
"Thwow them to the gwound, pwanet.  Most woughwy!  Thank you."
	--- Crow during volcano sequence in a great Michael Palin
	Pilate-from-Monty-Python's-Life-Of-Brian voice
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"Why is this called the Women of the Prehistoric Planet?"
	--- Joel on the fact that only one is on the planet (unless you
	count Annette and the blonde on the ship)
%%

Choice quotes from DADDY-O

                        INVENTION EXCHANGE
%%
"What is this hideous thing you've put on my baby?  What have you done?
	--- Frank

"Frank, relax.  It's my invention this week, Joel.  It's the Alien Teething
Nook.  To baby it's a satisfying nipple.  To onlookers it's a terrifying
alien face hugger. <smirk>"
	--- Dr. Forrester
%%

                          ALPHABET ANTICS

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"When you put your hand in a bunch of goo...that moments ago was your best
friend's face...You'll know what to do."
	--- Crow (great George C. Scott voice) on "M is for Marching Men"
%%

                            DADDY-O

"Oh no!  John Williams...before he heard Stravinsky.  But I kid Stravinsky."
	--- Tom Servo
%%
"Hi gang.  Here's a gesture for you."
	--- Joel
%%
"I can get this kind of abuse at the Kennedy mansion."
	--- Joel
%%
"You see it doesn't matter how slow I go.  I'll catch him.
My son is the editor."
	--- Crow
%%
"Destruction of property, trespassing, reckless driving, hit and run, and
manslaughter."
	--- Cop reading charges to Daddy-O

"Hit and run and manslaughter?"
	--- Daddy-O

"Oh that was just me getting nuts.  I'll change that."
	--- Joel
%%
"They could have been a lot worse on you, Phil.  I'd say you were pretty lucky."
	--- Cop to Daddy-O

"Look at this shirt.  You call this lucky?"
	--- Crow
%%
"Remember when I told you that I took the right fork during the race?"
	--- Daddy-O

"Well, actually I used the salad fork.  It was kind of dumb."
	--- Joel
%%
"I hate all of you, you inanimate objects!  You mock me with your silence!"
	--- Tom Servo
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"Thanks, Mom...Nice caboose...What am I saying?"
	--- Crow (as Daddy-O watches older waitress walk away)
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"Say those pants are kinda high, aren't they?"
	--- Joel
%%
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.  My pants got a little low, okay?"
	--- Joel
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"Got to think...Must try to think...But too stupid!"
	--- Joel
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"Now I know this is bad luck, but you're already in this movie."
	 --- Crow (as they walk under a scaffold)
%%
"Why couldn't this guy be on the plane instead of Buddy Holly?"
	--- Crow
%%
"Whup.  Here comes the cancer girl."
	--- Crow on cigarette girl
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"Heyyyy!  She caught her back fat in the doorway.  She's trapped!"
	--- Crow
%%
"This is what Zsa Zsa did to that cop."
	 --- Crow on fight between Daddy-O and Bruce the blind guy
%%